I’m sure this is a recurring theme in my musing. But why oh why are any of us encouraged to “think big”? Why don’t we tell people their limitations and to reach for that and be grateful.

If someone will only ever get a C on their test, then that’s awesome, that’s amazing, a C: wow! Well done for working so hard! I’m so proud of you!. Sure: then there’s a time for: “why on earth did you get a “D”?” You can get a “C”, don’t ever settle for a “D”.

But telling someone “where’s your B?” when every fibre of you will only ever achieve a C, is like telling someone they are never good enough.

I will never be good enough.

All my life I was told I was brilliant. My grandparents, my parents: they are brilliant. Nic: your potential is limitless: You’re going to be amazing! You got an “A” in that test? How disappointing. An “A” will never be good enough for you. There aren’t grades invented yet for the heights you can reach.

Turns out, an A is the best I’ll ever get. And a B+ I can learn from, I can accept that: that’s good too.

When will someone tell me a B is brilliant?

When will someone tell me average is great? When will average stop feeling like such a failure?

When will someone tell me “Biology” isn’t your subject, but if you tried “Art” you could achieve greatness.

I want greatness. In anything. I want to be great. I want to be the best at something. I want to be the best at “driving a Silver Ford Mondeo A plate from Pencoed to Talbot Green”. So why do I keep driving a Ford Mondeo B plate? Can you tell me what I can be “pretty good” at, if I’m never going to be great?

Why cant someone (anyone) tell me I’m great at something, anything?

Seems every time I think I’m fairly OK at something, someone comes along and says “fooled you, try again!” Try again at what? Give me something, give me some direction, something to work on. Because this constant “try again”, is messing with my mental health.

I’m a good person.  I’m worthy. I have skills:” I know these things. Yet every turn I’m met with “not good ENOUGH”, “not worthy ENOUGH”, “not skilled ENOUGH”. When does it end?

And I’m 40+. Is this it? Is this life?

Because if it is, we need to stop teaching our kids to aim for greatness. Because if this is how I feel, then I cant be the only one (turns out I’m average after all). So we’re gearing up for a generation of failures.

“When you know your destined for greatness, your potential haunts you. It keeps you up at night, you wont feel complete until you succeed.” But my potential is imagined, it doesn’t exist: How can I stop staying up all night? How can I feel complete because I’m never, ever going to succeed?