I work now (i may not have mentioned it).
Instead of staying at home doing nothing like I did during those ‘wilderness years’ of 2007 to 2016 I am now gainfully employed.
That means I have to get dressed (rather than putting a hoodie over my PJs and hoping no one notices), leave the house, drink hot tea, talk with grown ups and go to the toilet by myself. And THEN at the end of month they PAY me. Its tough.
On top of all that they insist I take days off. To rest. Its the law or something.
So I agreed (was forced to) take Monday 2nd October afternoon and all day Tuesday 3rd October (not that I counted hours or anything) as ‘time off’.
So I signed out of the office for my ‘break’ at 1pm on Monday. And I put on one of my other hats: ‘school governor’ and drove to the school. I had to go to the ground breaking ceremony for the new school.
I was early so I was put to work helping to set up for the event. I was in charge of drawing pins. There weren’t enough. So they sent me to fetch more from the office.
That sounds easy but the school is based in three different buildings. Each which has to be walked through. Each has its own security system which involves pressing one button, then twisting to the right, pressing another button, then hopping on one leg while singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. Oops! No it was twisting to the left. Start again. Oops! No. It was Baa Baa Black Sheep. Start again.
Im not supposed to know the code so all has to be done surreptitiously without drawing any attention to myself.
Drawing pins fetched. All security codes again in reverse.
Back at ‘the event’, a very complicated discussion is being had on how best to place the stand so it doesnt fall over and kill the dignitaries. Angles are discussed. Vectors of wind are discussed. Man in suit decides to tie stand to the wall and hold it on with drawing pins.
“Its going to be muddy in the field so put your wellies on”. We are told.
Feel like a fraud with my wellies on and my hard hat and high vis jacket on the fenced off, pre-cleaned patch of ground, miles from anything remotely dangerous, or dirty.
Lots and lots of important people here for this photo op. Someone asks: “whos that?”. Its the Welsh Assembly Minister for Education. No one important.
Lots of speeches.
The people doing actual proper ‘building-the-school’ work have to stop building the school while ‘someone important’ tells us how great it will be when the school is built. ‘Someone else important’ explains about how in the old days this breaking ground ceremony involved killing the architect to appease the ground for hurting it. Consider sacrificing ‘one of the important people’.
Gods of fortune worshipped and photos taken for Twitter we return to the canteen for ‘refreshments’. (Its thirsty work). Back in the canteen theres a politically correct fight over the chocolate brownies. When some vote doesnt go through in ten years time, it’ll be because of those brownies. Sorry.
Pick up kids from school.
Have to go to Tescos to print photos from Leo the Lion’s weekend visit. The kids think Leo the Lion visiting is the highlight of the year. Mum’s do not.
Four photos printed and its the routine fight over which trolley to use. We absolutely HAVE to have a brum brum trolley.
There arent any. Its the end of the world as we know it. I frantically search every corner of the car park for a stray brum brum trolley. Hooray! One is finally located, phew. It is sat in for around 3 seconds then its no longer of any interest but running up and down the aisles is. I am still required to push the brum brum trolley around. Its a little known fact by anyone except frazzled parents: brum brum trolley’s dont turn corners. They can only go in straight lines. You try using one. Youll swear never again. Until the next time your little darling threatens to scream down Tescos without using one (for three seconds).
Shopping done its time to go home. And put shopping away, and cook dinner, and do two lots of spellings and two lots of reading and two lots of homework and referee fights and fend off “when will dinner be ready” questions and answer a vital email and ring someone who doesnt work past 5pm. All at the same time.
Still, tomorrow is officially my ‘day off’.
The day starts less rushed because I get to take my kids to school at 8.40 not 8.20am. 20 minutes makes all the difference.
20 minutes makes absolutely no difference.
Im still screaming “we’re going to be late”, “hurry up”, “wheres your bag”, “have you had some breakfast?”.
Kids are excited im taking them to school.
Kids are excited someone else can be given their bags, coats, lunchbags, Pokémon cards(?) to carry while they run around.
Go to Cardiff for a few things.
Set sat nav for home.
Sat nav decides today is the random day every so often where it will forget how to direct me.
“Turn left here”. Nope thats a supermarket.
“Make a u-turn”. Nope this is a dual carriageway.
“Take the second exit”. Nope there is absolutely no roundabout to be seen for miles.
Get totally and utterly lost.
Give up on sat nav and start to go ‘old school’ and follow road signs. Remember why road signs are useless. They start you down one road then dont bother following through with where to go next so you get totally and completely lost. 15 minute journey out of Cardiff takes 45 minutes. Once on M4, sat nav remembers how to work. Tell ‘helpful’ sat nav lady to f**k right off.
Have ten minutes before due at school. So decide to go to try and put money on my new electricity token key thing. Was told to try a newsagent so go there. No, they dont do it. Have you tried a place 3 miles away?
Or the post office next door.
Go to post office next door. Pay my money.
The key doesnt want to have money put on it. But theyve happily taken my money out of my account.
Assistant tries universal fixing method of “blowing on key and rubbing it on shirt” (its an age old method you have to study and perfect for three years at college).
Money finally on key.
Go to house to transfer money to switch electricity on. Meter doesnt know what im talking about. It no longer accepts keys on a Tuesday apparently, only on the third Wednesday of a month as long as its raining and the month has an ‘r’ in it.
Or something.
Get back to school on time. Walk around school to find the right school gate. School gate is locked. Have to walk other way around school to find the right school gate.
Arrive late.
Spend an hour listening to how children learn maths now (so we know how to help our kids). Seemed much more simple when I learned. (This, we are told is what all parents say). But you try explaining the ‘simple’ way to your kids. They have absolutely no idea what youre talking about. So now i know the modern day way.
Am told i can take child #5 half an hour early but not the others. Decide to go to buy some stuff for #2 birthday. Take #5 with me. #5 finds every single item in the shop with ’16’ on it and we have long drawn out discussions about which particular ’16’ badge would be best. #2 wants balloon numbers for her birthday. Fine except birthday now in double figures so have to carry two * 4 foot high balloons through village while still trying to parent #5.
Pick up kids. Go home. Make dinner, answer very important email, phone someone who finishes work at 5pm, do two lots of homework, two lots of spellings, two lots of reading, answer ‘what times dinner?’ a million times, referree fighting AND locate lost tshirt and wrap #2 birthday presents. Then take #4 to netball. Accidentally on purpose arrange for another mother to bring her home.
Sign back into work on Wednesday 4th October at 9am.
“How was your day off, Nic?”
“Great. Dont make me do it again.”
Nic Danson 