So here I am: A grown up.
Ive been a “grown up” for a full four weeks. And boy what a whirlwind month it has been. What a lot of learning a girl can do in a short period of time to transform into this fully fledged individual you (metaphorically) see before you.
Bollocks.
I expected learning. I expected to have to change the way I act. I expected to have to take responsibility for things. I expected to feel different.
None of that is true.
Sure Ive had to pay some bills. Sure Ive had to beg, borrow and steal to feed my kids. Sure Ive had to make tough choices. But its all window dressing compared to the things Ive actually had to change.
Absolutely nothing.
Everything.
My thoughts are still the same.
But now I’m on my own (with the exception of family and some friends) and I have to stand (or fall) on my own.
Ive grown up so much in the last month, but not at all for the reason Id expected.
Now, my thoughts are my own.
I still think children should be allowed to be children. Now i can let them ride their bikes in the house and bring a spare mattress to bounce on into the living room because thats my decision to make.
I still think the school system has some major flaws and I wish I was different and I admire and envy all parents who have the apetite to homeschool. But now, without anyone except family to call on, Ive had to decide by myself that actually that makes me a better school governor because it makes me want to make my schools the best I can make them.
I still think I havent overshared my life on social media but being forced to take some time off Facebook has certainly opened my eyes to who are actually my friends.
During this last month I’ve heard some stuff from family, friends and the media that show no one’s public life reflects the reality.
Of course, finally recognising the symptoms of total disinterest in life and living and admitting it was time to go back on the anti-depressants, might have helped.
My life is the same. My life is totally different.
I’m still working, but now, one year on (and maybe because I’m a “grown up” now), I’m more accepting of criticism or able to defend my decisions.
I still think my recent life choices are for the best but being asked for (mouthing words) “my new address”, like it was a disease, has shown what ‘being an adult’ means.
It means nothing.
We are still judged.
I am still judged.
But now I know who i can count on and that actually my choices arent always bad even if most people dont agree with them.
I wore odd shoes when I was 17. Today, 25 years later I saw ‘odd shoes’ on the fashion pages.
Turns out, I might have been a grown up all along.
Nic Danson 