Today is not a good day.

Im well enough versed in mental health now to know that theres a few reasons for that. 

The main one is school holidays. I need a reason to get up, out of bed, watch the time tick by. I need time to pass quickly. I like routine. As much as im like everyone else hating the alarm going off, when it doesn’t, I find myself wondering what at all is the point of the day. Better to stay in bed and wait for night time again. Dragging myself up, making food for the kids, thinking of what pointless thing can I think of to do to break up the endless hours for the kids (and me) today, gets me through the day but its not the same as the clock watching of term time. 

The other reason is drugs. Im weaning off the happy pills again. Not on purpose. I just keep forgetting to take them and then theres a note on the prescription saying you have to arrange a review. Ill never agree with the system. Getting the people who have the least energy to beg for more pills. Its like asking someone with a broken leg to walk to hospital. It makes no sense. So it’s easier to just go without. First a day skipped, then two, (normally because I just forget), then three, then ‘oh theres that strange head rush of withdrawal’ so it must be a while now, Ive lost count. Ive got this far, the head rushes will disappear soon too. 

And then theres this bug. A sickness bug thats going around my house (and then deciding actually it’ll stay for another round, thanks). I’ll never forget the look on one of my bosses’ face when I told him I get post-viral depression, like it was the most normal thing in the world (because actually it is). His face that gave away his ‘oh shit, shes a psycho, how do I HR out of this one?’  thoughts. 

And so I look around my house and see everything I hate about myself. I hate that I have the kids bored at home because I cant be bothered to take them out. I hate that I have dishes piling up because I cant be bothered to empty and re-load the dishwasher. I hate that I have unopened bills because I really cant face thinking about how on earth Im going to pay them. I hate that I have two job rejection emails today and I really cant be bothered to apply for the new interesting job I saw advertised yesterday.

But Ive had bad days before (and sadly, Ill have them again) so I try and remember how to put one foot in front of the other and how to apply some of my CBT training. I try and remember I can do some things. I am good at some things. 

It’s just that today, I cant quite remember what they are.