This week is my last week at Welsh Womens Aid. Its not been a long journey but what a journey it has been.
Anyone who knows me knows I love learning. I look for learning in everything I do. I have learnt so much in the 2 months at WWA. Sure Ive learnt work things. I’ve learnt whats its like to be a ‘proper’ PA; I’ve learnt the difference it makes to someone’s work ethic when everyone is taken on their own merits (I was told “everything has to get done, its just a question of which bits you want to do”) and I’ve learnt what an organisation can look like when the people employed really do have experience and know what they’re doing. Its been pretty eye opening, empowering and humbling.
But most of all, I’ve learnt about gender inequality. On my first day I was warned that working there makes you see it everywhere.
How right they were.
It’s pretty sad when every news article you read, your mind goes straight to Domestic Violence, Coercive Control or Honor Violence. What’s soul destroying is when your first instinct is proven right.
I’ve learnt more about FGM in the last couple of weeks than I ever wanted to know.
I’ve heard real life Greek Tragedies unfold, powerless to change anything.
I’ve read about legislative changes that unintentionally make things worse.
I’ve been told about all the people services have to turn away because there just isn’t enough money to help everyone.
It’s depressing. It’s crippling.
But I call upon my life changing experience of 2 years ago. The British Council paid for a week’s training about social action projects. And from it I learnt that “you dont have to change the world to make a difference”.
If I got my boss to one meeting where she might say one thing that changed someone’s opinion that made a difference; I made a difference.
If I ensured WWA was governance compliant for two months; I made a difference.
Sure, lots of people could have done those things. Sure, other people in WWA played their parts towards those outcomes. But I was there. For those two months, I made a difference.
And if I change one person’s opinion through this blog. Or allowed one person to speak against the majority. I will have made a difference.
The news today is full of Roxanne Pallett. Apparently she is evil incarnate and the nation’s number one enemy right now.
Move over Donald Trump. Make room Vladimir Putin. Kim Jong-un: you’re yesterday’s news.
And what exactly did she do that is so worthy of our hatred?
She claimed to be a victim of domestic violence.
If you read the Women’s Aid (England) response they said “this is why women don’t report domestic abuse” (of course the mainstream media didn’t quote that part, they just quote the “play fighting can trigger” part which puts the blame back on Roxanne and her mental health.
The public say thank goodness her overreaction was caught on camera or Ryan’s career and life could be ruined!
What about Roxy’s life?
What have we done to her?
Lets assume that Ryan meant no harm and Roxy “overreacted” due to her previous experiences.
You want her to be blamed because of her poor mental health and previous experiences?
Do we blame soldiers for their PTSD aggression?
Lets assume there were no cameras or mobile phone messages. Did we want our “go-to” reaction to be to blame the man?
No.
Surely normal, decent folk just want fairness. We want tact and compassion. We just want gender equality.
Treat the two equally. Put them both in separate rooms. Listen to their versions individually. Listen. Dont watch tapes and decide who made contact with who. Its meaningless.
Coercive control, emotional abuse, gender inequality, mental health: they cant be SEEN. But they are no less real.
If we were all a bit more FAIR maybe we wouldnt have a woman clearly destined for a full on breakdown.
If Big Brother had been FAIR they would have listened to both sides of the story. Asked Ryan to apologise (because I bet if he is the decent guy everyone is saying he is, and before all the craziness, if he thought he’d upset Roxy he’d WANT to apologise). Offered Roxy counselling. Asked her how she wanted to proceed. Put the survivor at the centre.
Sure, they might have decided Ryan had no case to answer and was not to be evicted. But Roxy would have felt heard. She would have felt like a human being. She might have an opportunity to repair previous damage (through counselling).
But thats not entertaining.
And sadly, thats not the current world we live in.
We live in a world where gender inequality exists in every walk of life.
A prominent, much loved politician is accused of sexual harassment and instead of allowing a fair process. He now has £100,000 on his side because “men have to stick together”. Whatever the true facts, whatever the outcome now; he has beat his chest and shown his power over those women.
I am a feminist. I have always believed women can do everything a man can do. And yes I sometimes shyed away from the word “feminist” because its not got great optics (and who decides those optics I wonder?). But at Welsh Womens Aid I was introduced to a book We should all be feminists which says that being a feminist means accepting that there is some inequality in gender and wanting to change it. Thats not rocket science. Thats not saying down with men. Thats just wanting fairness . And surely we all want that?
I’ve learnt alot from Welsh Womens Aid. And if you know anything about me, its that I dont shut up when I believe in something important.
Thanks for the learning Welsh Womens Aid. It wont be forgotten.
Nic Danson 