Today, Monday 10th September is World Suicide Prevention Day
Never one to miss an opportunity to talk about myself or mental health, here is my story.
I was seventeen when I first (and so far, only time) tried to kill myself. I’d failed my driving test for the second or third time and life just didnt feel worth living. A lot of soul searching later, I’d say it (and my mental health in general) is related to never having had to work at anything before and being totally unprepared for failure. (I’ve written blogs before about children being taught to be happy being average rather than setting everyone up for failure). Expectation vs Reality
I’m not sure if it was an actual attempt. But I certainly didn’t tell anyone about it until at least twenty years afterwards. So at the time, it wasn’t a cry for help. Maybe it was just my own personal wake up call.
When I finally sought help for my depression, at the end of what felt like a hundred questions to “score” my illness, the GP asked, “do you have suicidal thoughts?”
I laughed.
Doesn’t everyone?
And I still believe that.
Everyone has suicidal thoughts at some time or another.
Whether its the grief-stricken person who just wants to be with their loved one. Or the person who lives their life walking in treacle (thats what depression feels like, to those who havent lived it yet) and just wants to be free. Or the religious person who wants to be in paradise rather than this horrible place with hatred and pain. Indeed, I know someone who asks “Why wouldnt you want to be dead? Theres no bills to pay when youre dead”.
Ask any adult (and sadly, some children) how they’d kill themselves and I guarantee they will all have a method of choice. Even if they have absolutely no intention of following through. And even those who fear death. Everyone thinks about it.
That’s why religions make it a sin.
That’s why its technically illegal.
There has to be a deterrent.
Suicide has had to be made into the ultimate darkness.
Now we have to undo centuries of cultural ideology. We have to get rid of the darkness.
Like everything dark, we need to shine a light on it to make it go away.
Lets talk about suicide.
Because not talking about it makes it dark.
Not talking about it makes it taboo.
Not talking about it makes it wrong.
And so it becomes a vicious circle.
I feel bad so I feel suicidal.
I feel suicidal so I feel bad.
And in the end.
There is nowhere to go but out.
Lets shine a light.
Lets talk about suicide.
My name is Nic and I think about suicide. A lot.
I think about it so much I gauge my mental health based on my suicidal thoughts.
Right now, I think I’m about half way up the scale. Not not depressed. But definitely not languishing in the dark.
Right now, I know the black dog is there. I feel it everyday. But I want to be around for my kids. Being dead scares me. Right now, I think I have some things to look forward to. Right now I know I have some things to live for. Right now, I don’t want to be dead by suicide.
But that’s still thinking about suicide.
Lets talk about suicide.
Lets make it an everyday topic.
And then lets notice when someone withdraws and doesn’t talk about it anymore.
Because that’s when you should worry about someone. That’s when they don’t want to bother you with their unimportant feelings. That’s when being alive, bringing words to their mouths is like running a marathon, every second of every day. That’s when they think they’re unworthy of being alive. That’s when they’re actually thinking about doing it for real.
Of course there are exceptions. But being knowledgeable about the topic will allow greater understanding to notice the differences.
Lets talk about suicide.
Because that’s how we prevent it.
Nic Danson 