Next weekend #1 goes to University. I’m dreading it. I’ve spent the last year seperated from my baby so I should be well prepared. But having him two minutes away is very different to him being two hours away.
I’m also super scared for him because I want him to be happy. Don’t get me wrong, everyone who knows Mack, knows University is where he needs to be. I can totally imagine him being an eternal student. When he was born, I called him “Professor Mackenzie” and as he got older and I compared him to Sheldon from Big Bang Theory that label seems more apt than ever.
I’m scared because University was the darkest three years of my life. I was SO unhappy. I was totally miserable. Mainly because I’d chosen the wrong degree. I’d gone with the flow and done what I thought I should do based on what I was good at. I had absolutely no idea what I wanted to do with my life (I still don’t). I try to counter that by encouraging my kids to follow whatever makes them happy, rather than what they think will ‘lead’ to something.
I worry that Mack is doing what he thinks he should based on what other people (including his parents) have told him to do, rather than what will make him happy. Thats tough for me, because I know what will make him happy is to stay in his bedroom and never talk to anyone ever again so there is an element of compromise. There has to be. There has to be a little bit of tough love. But is the ratio right? Are we setting him up to be miserable? Am I going to have to watch history repeat itself? I told him he has to give it three months and if he absolutely hates it, then he can come straight home. Part of me wants him to never look back. But the mother in me wants him to come back to me. Its an eternal mothers dilemma I suppose.
What makes it worse is knowing there should be someone would have been SO excited.
I’ve thought of Rhys a lot in the last couple of weeks.
I can imagine Rhys planning, packing, repacking, celebrating and planning some more.
I can imagine him being torn by wanting to do EVERYTHING. Then settling on one thing and being totally committed. But also being a little bit disappointed he couldn’t do everything else as well.
Rhys would milk every life experience University had to give and ask what else there was.
Rhys’ problem would be that University life couldn’t come fast enough.
He took life and lived it.
Life is cruel. Life is unfair.
I’m trying to get some RR81 merchandise to London School of Music (or something) with #1a. I think Rhys would get a kick out of being in the big city and living the actor/musician life with Jenna. I’m not sure Rhys would be that interested in Theoretical Physics but I’ll try and find a way of getting him to Birmingham University. I bet he’d like that.
And I suppose that’s all we get to give Rhys now. The opportunity to be everywhere at the same time. To live everyone’s lives at once.
And if Rhys is anywhere up there, I bet he’s loving that.
He’d have preferred to get to do it for real, of course.
I’m sorry you didn’t get a chance to go for real.
Life is cruel.
Nic Danson 