2025 saw me reach the big 5-0 birthday. Woo hoo?
Turning 40 was life changing. I finally felt like a grown up. I was hoping turning 50 would see me finally with my shit together. But I still feel like Im drowning.
Since turning 40, alot has changed. I have gone back to work. Ive had around 14 different jobs in the last 10 years. Ive gained more qualifications. I no longer have any children in Primary School. Two babies have left home (almost). I have been officially diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Condition (ASC). And what else?
Oh yeah. I became single. I was almost actually divorced by the end of 2025.
I wanted my 40th year to be a year of celebrations. And found the minimal enthusiasm from everyone around me a real eye opener. I think it was probably the start of me realising that my brain works differently to most people and that part of that means I don’t really have any friends. Don’t get me wrong, I know a lot of people whose company I enjoy and I can share a conversation with. I bet I know quite a few who would agree to go for a drink with me or step up in a real emergency. But friends who I regularly spend time with or who make an effort to schedule to see me (or I them)? No. Not really any of those.
This year, Ive finally realised Im just not really a people person. Which, given that I am a professional in Human Resources, is quite ironic.
I have always found people fascinating. I used to love having any opportunity to find out about different people, ways of life, the way they thought, what made them happy or sad or excited or any kind of emotion. What made them them? I lived for that. I wonder if that might be because I’m not like “people” so its like researching a different species?
But gradually, over the last few years especially, Ive realised it no longer brings me joy. And I dont have the spoons to pretend. It feels like Ive collected all the experiences and types of people that I have access to in my small patch of the universe. There’s nothing left to find out. Here, at least. But how do you access the rest of humanity while still having kids to feed and bills to pay?
The last few years of coming to this realisation have been seen some of my worst mental health status since the proper bad days (probably since medication keeps me out of the proper black).
So in an effort to meet new people, I joined many dating sites. For those who have tried them, you will be aware of the soul destroying nature of them. For those not, let me enlighten you. You sign up with a photo of yourself and put some stuff on your profile that others will read to decide whether they want to meet you or not. Then you ‘match’. The theory being you then start messaging each other and then arrange to meet and hey presto, everyone buys a hat.
The reality is you swipe left or right based on a photo. About 50% of the profiles Ive seen are of dogs or football logos. Of the remaining 50%, how can you tell whether you would get on well with someone based on their photo? I like to think Im not judgy on looks. But realistically, I am quite judgy on personality. So it falls to what they’ve written about themselves on their profile. I’d say 90% are either blank, say “add something here later” or “anything you want to know, just ask”. Ive tried many techniques. Ive tried swiping right on everyone. Ive tried only swiping the ones with a proper photo. Recently Ive gone full out “fuck it” and put the real me in my bio and limiting my search criteria to over 5 foot 8. Amazing how much silence there is when you come out of the feminist closet! But over the seven on and off years of being on them, Ive probably messaged around 100 people. Two tips Ive learned for messaging: “Be fun and interesting and always ask a question”. Of the 100, Ive probably had 50 replies. Around 30 of those answer “Lol” or “Hi”. Most after that fizzle out into boring “hows your day been” and I just cant maintain my enthusiasm for “fine thanks, yours?” And we go back to where we began: Im just no good with keeping up communication long enough to build a decent connection.
So in 2025, armed with this new realisation, I set about trying to find ways of getting out of my little patch of the universe. Originally I thought of aiming for 50 new things for my 50th year. But then I remembered the pain of optimism vs reality I had for my 40th so for my 50th, I decided on five experiences:
- Shirley Valentine type holiday
- Craft break
- Spa break
- Volunteering
- Holiday with all the kids
So I set up planning my Shirley Valentine trip.
My overriding memory of the film is Pauline Collins sitting on the beach looking out at the sea drinking wine. So I looked at places to go that were on the beach. But not just a hotel, the point is to meet real people experiencing real life somewhere else other than here. So Airbnb? But my ADHD (still undiagnosed – only 1 year on the waiting list) brain cannot research anything for more than about five minutes before getting totally bored. And finding the right Airbnb with the right amenities and the right view on the right travel path in all the potential places in the world is not a fun research project, for me at least. If someone wants to do that for me – go right ahead!
So I ended up in Ilfracombe, Devon. In February. In fairness, it was a blissful week. I spent it completely inside looking out at the sea. And barely spoke a word out loud. So not necessarily successful in meeting new people!
And then my lovely mother booked a brilliant week away in Loch Lomond for me and (almost all) the people that matter most to me. Another blissful week, where the noise was either deafening or deathly quiet! I couldnt have asked for anything better. But still no new people!
And so that leaves three excursions: Craft, Spa and Volunteer. I’m currently narrowing down my craft options. Now that the jewellery making obsession is all but finished, that one is likely to become a Writing Retreat as I have written 20,000 words of a novel and have another idea rattling around. I had one trip half planned, but work and kids got in the way. So this one has been transferred to 2026.
I keep an eye out for spa trips, but I’m sort of set on the idea of going with the one important person missing from Loch Lomond. But our relationship is complicated by her also being neurodivergent and also not a big fan of people, and also having a life that she cant leave and also not so great at planning. So that one might end up being in 2035 for my 60th.
And the volunteering one has morphed a bit.
During COVID I booked to go to New Orleans to work in a Homeless Shelter for a week. Seemed perfect – meeting new people, living amongst real people not tourists and in a place Ive always wanted to go. But, I booked it during COVID, when the reality of actually going didnt exist. And when the rescheduled date came up, I really couldnt afford it monetarily or have the time away from the kids or work. So I postponed. And then they stopped running volunteering there. Which, while disappointing was also a relief because the ethics of the idea did rub a little; because absolutely nothing delights people facing real hardship than a privileged hero swooping in to make a show of rescuing them. And the alternatives in Africa and Indonesia looked great, but they were also a lot more expensive and a lot more time off work. And, I’m ashamed to admit, I’m not sure Id do great with the food. #fussyeater
So what to do instead?
As the year developed and my realisation about needing new people in my life solidified, I did what every normal person does looking for new people. I signed up for acting classes and stand up comedy lessons. Because who doesnt? And because my (undiagnosed) ADHD brain wants every experience right now as soon as I thought of it. I spent November 2025 doing stand up comedy lessons on Saturdays and acting classes on Sundays. Which was great fun but also impacted on family life.
I absolutely loved the acting classes. Ive been surprised at myself. Its reawakened an interest in film making that I’d forgotten. Ive signed up for the “advanced” class in January. But it has also been a bit bittersweet as its started a whole new over thinking stream of depressive thoughts, of what if I’d lived a different life, a life that interested me when I was young but it never seemed realistic, that of being a Film Director. That’s something about getting old Im not enjoying – the realisation of all the alternative lives I could have lived and I no longer have time or resources for. And I enjoyed the comedy much more than I anticipated. So now I have a new dilemma, how do I “break into” the entertainment industry (by acting, directing or comedy) while also having a full time career and kids who need feeding.
One idea was to sign up to be an extra (or Supporting Artist or SA as they are now!). But have you ever looked at the application process for those? I got bored just writing my name and address, let alone having to take photos of me from every angle and documenting every single aspect of me. Again if someone wants to do that for me, I’ll happily delegate!
I love a course, so sometimes I look into what I can do next. But I already have a degree, a Level 5 and 3 Level 7 qualifications. I feel like Im done with academic learning. The acting and comedy has made me realise I want to learn something that AI cant yet replicate. I’ve wanted to do an art qualification for a while. But they dont seem to exist outside of full time degrees, short adult experiences (like craft weekends) on online self help courses (which doesnt get me out meeting new people).
So Im going into 2026 with a renewed desire to “get out more” and meet new people. My ASC brain craves routine. So I need to plan my “get out” experiences. So I bought myself a new calendar that will finally get me organised and magically sort my life out. (Because thats all any neurodivergent needs to be “normal”).
So the plan at the moment is:
Monday – Day: Work Evening: Activity (TBA) (often Trustee meeting)
Tuesday – Day: Work Evening: #6 rugby training
Wednesday – Day: Work Evening: #6 football training
Thursday – Day: Work Evening: Activity (TBA) (often Trustee meeting)
Friday – Day: Work Evening: Activity (TBA)
Saturday – Day: #6 football game Evening: Activity (TBA)
Sunday – Day: #6 rugby game/Acting Class/Hospital visit
And I only need a couple of months of a fully booked schedule of getting out of the house and meeting new people and all my mental health issues will be cured.
All I need are a few different activities that can be fit around existing commitments that are interesting, and an unlimited social battery.
Nic Danson 