Its Mental Health Awareness week. And no one is more aware of mental health than me. So I suppose a blog is called for. 

Im not doing OK. In fact Im doing pretty far from OK. 

My mental health right now can be summed up by:

“I dont wanna die, but I aint keen on living either” 

(Robbie Williams, “Feel”. In case you were wondering). 

Its Mental Health Awareness week so theres been loads of celebrities tweeting and speaking out. I heard on the news someone saying “theres always someone willing to listen”. And maybe thats true. 

But OMG its so BORING!!! 

Maybe youre willing to listen but im not willing to talk. 

Im so sick of myself whining. 

Blah blah blah, sad, blah blah blah, depressed, blah blah blah. 

A couple of people in work today (about a variety of topics) said that they thought the reason why X was more widespread is because everyone is always talking about it so people jump on the bandwagon. 

I wouldnt agree exactly. But theres a certain truth. 

Its good to talk about mental health. Knowing other people feel like me definitely helps. 

But I dont want to talk about my feelings. Thanks. 

Other people might. But I dont.  Thanks anyway. 

Just because Im a sufferer of depression doesnt mean Im not me. Im allowed to have a personality thats seperate to my illness. And me is someone who is private (ironically). This is my version of talking. Dont think me telling you how I feel is going to fix or save me, because it wont. 

Maybe talking about mental health helps people to realise it exists but it also makes people think we’re all the same and can be fixed the same way. 

I went to a mental health conference last week which was interesting. The most thought provoking workshop was an academic discussing her new theory of mental health. 

Basically the new model (dont panic, it’ll probably take 15 years to change anything) is that there is no merit in diagnosing mental health. 

Instead of asking “whats wrong with you?” We should be asking “whats happened to you?”. All mental health (its claimed) is just a display of emotional trauma. 

Whats the difference between anorexia and OCD? The symptoms may be different but the cause could be similar or very different.

And thats got me thinking. (Ugh!) 

My illness stems from my own expectations. I expected to go to university, get a job and be happy. I expected to get married, have children and be happy. I expected to be financially stable and be happy. I expected to be good at something and people would notice and ask for me, my opinion and my help. Id be in demand. I expected to be wanted. I expected to make an impact in the world. I expected to make a difference. And I expected that would make me happy. 

But instead I’m educated (in fact, I think Im pretty intelligent) but unemployable. Ive been married and now Im not. Ive had children and now Im separated from half of my children. Ive been financially stable and now Im poor. I think I am good at something but no one cares. Theres always someone better than me. Im not noticed. Im not in demand. Im not wanted. Im not happy. I am nobody. 

Of course, theres nothing wrong with being a nobody. Most of the world are nobodies. The trouble is the expectation. 

Expectation is the root cause of my depression. Expectation is, arguably, the cause of all mental health problems. 

Children are taught from an early age that they have to be academic. We teach our kids to work hard because then theyll be happy. We teach our girls they have to be and act like girls and be attracted to boys (and vice versa). Be good looking. Be thin. Wear nice clothes. Work hard. Have a big house. Be richer than everyone else. Be better than everyone else. Be happier than everyone else. 

And does that work? This last month has been full of celebrities committing suicide. 

Lets talk about mental health, yes. 

But lets also change the world so we stop it from happening in the first place. 

Cancer and terrible biological diseases and illnesses need scientists and education and technology. It needs somebodies.

But mental illness. 

That just needs people. 

It just needs nobodies.