A few weeks go, my sister suggested she pay for her, her boys and Team GANT (Genie, Adelaide, Nic, Torin) to go to Center Parcs for a weekend.
What could possibly go wrong?
My first alarm bell was when people kept asking me *which* Center Parcs we were going to. Surely there’s only one and its just down the road from me?
Apparently not.
We were going to the one furthest away. The sat nav said four and a half hours which everyone knows means at least six hours.
My sister is my very best friend in the whole wide world ever and I’ll never willingly pass up an opportunity to see her. Plus, it was paid for. So when Adelaide started refusing to come, I wasnt going to give up without a fight.
I’d told the kids we were going to Glasgow for the weekend. Adelaide didnt want to come because she had a school trip to plan for and she said it was way too far to come for just the weekend. (Sensible girl). So she had to be let into the secret and she agreed to come (very sensible girl, although perhaps also not totally understanding of geography).
I requested time off school for GAT.
I had previously asked the other kids if they’d come on a “imaginary” trip away. And they said they wouldnt be interested. So I didnt bother asking them.
Llyw wanted to come.
That was OK because there was coincidentally a spare bed in the house but he had to be prepared to be called Scott for the entire weekend (I didnt ask).
I didn’t have time to request time off school so I said I’d just ring on the morning.
The day before the trip Maddie said she would have liked to be invited.
I paid for something or other.
As we know i was knee deep in interviews and application forms. One interview asked me if i had any holidays booked. I said “yes: 6th July”, they asked me if that was for the week (because that’s what normal people do). I said no, just the day. (Yay! I got the job. Could I start next week? Thank f**k I’d mentioned it)
WE. ARE. GOING. TO. CENTER PARCS!! Yay!!
All I had to do was pack, gather the kids and drive. Easy. Simple. No problem.
For some reason the universe doesn’t like it if my sister and I are together. I suspect it’s something to do with crossing the streams but I dont have the time or inclination for the phD required in understanding it.
This week I started a new job. Starting a new job is tiring because you have to be up on time and not be late; you have to arrive willing and you have to soak up more information than you ever thought existed quicker than ever thought possible to avoid looking like an idiot.
This week there was a “thing” at school. “Thing at school” required emotional and intellectual strength.
Myself and four kids are leaving for an all expenses paid trip away on Friday 6th July. All I had to do was pack, gather the kids and drive. Easy. Simple. No problem
I did not pack.
On Thursday evening I felt the headache start so said to the kids we’d get up early on Friday morning. We’d pack, tidy the house, tidy the car and leave for Scotland.
I couldn’t sleep Thursday night.
I barely woke up at 6.30am on Friday.
Just one more snooze.
By 8am I had had a cup of tea and a shower.
I met Adelaide on the stairs crying. She didn’t want to tell me what was wrong.
She felt sick.
I told her to go back to bed because it was definitely only a tiredness thing and she’d be fine after another hour sleep.
By 8.30am I had got dressed.
Llyw asked what time was I picking him up. I said, all I had to do was pack, tidy the house, tidy the car and gather the kids. So Id be there in half an hour. I asked him if he had packed everything (I ran through a list). He said he had, he was ready.
At 9am, Adelaide woke up saying she felt better (Thank F**k) but that she didn’t want any breakfast (uh oh). She then informed me that 3 kids in her class were off this week with stomach bugs (great).
Picked up Llyw at 9.15 and brought him back to ‘help’ tidy the house and tidy the car.
Llyw wound the kids up while I tidied the house. I emptied the car of rubbish but decided there was no point hoovering because they’d just mess it up again so Id do that when we got back on Sunday because Im driving two people from work (who need to think I have a tidy car and tidy mind) to North Wales on Monday.
Right. 10am and Ive packed, tidied the house and tidied (ish) the car.
Lets go!
Llyw tells me he’s forgotten his hat.
Round up kids, lock up house and drive to the other house to pick up hat. Then go to Tesco for car snacks then Table Table for breakfast.
Pick up hat.
Go to Tescos. Remind Llyw to look ill in case anyone from school sees him.
Adelaide says she doesnt want car snacks because she feels sick. I buy water, crackers and sweets for her because it’s clearly just travel sickness.
Torin asks for his sweets to be opened in Tesco car park.
I do not react well.
Get to Table Table (which is next door to McDonald’s, so initiates an argument about not wanting cooked breakfast but wanting chicken nuggets for breakfast) at 10.20am. They stop cooking breakfast at 10.30 so the chef has to be warned (but I’m sure he didn’t spit on the sausages because that almost never happens in real life).
Adelaide has cereal and toast and says she feels much better but doesnt want anything else because she still feels a bit sick.
Breakfast eaten. We’re fuelled for the trip. Lets go!
Torin remembers he’s forgotten his blanket he wanted to bring for the trip. All four of us try different tactics to avoid going back for it.
Go back for Torin’s blanket.
While in the house I pick up plastic bags and a sick bowl. You know, because you’d take those on any car trip and totally unrelated to Adelaide feeling sick.
Give Adelaide the bags and sick bowl to ‘mind’.
We’re off!
Put postcode in the sat nav. Estimated arrival time 3.30pm. So i think, we should be there by 4.30pm, 5.30pm if we have to stop. Sara has paid for us to have food at 7.45 so, plenty of time.
At Cardiff, Llyw asked if we were nearly there.
Adelaide was asleep.
At Newport I woke Llyw up to sort out the fighting between Genie and Torin about the DVD player.
Adelaide was asleep.
At M5 we hit the traffic.
Adelaide was asleep.
At Birmingham, Genie asked when we were going to stop because she said she needed to stretch her legs. I said we’d stop at 2pm (it was 1pm)
Adelaide was asleep.
Half an hour later, Genie started crying because she felt sick. She gets travel sick so no biggy but shes a nightmare when shes ill. I insist she eats crackers and has a drink.
Adelaide was asleep.
At 2pm, Genie and Torin are happily playing and as I pass the services, I decide “I think we can make it to the next one”.
Adelaide was asleep.
A couple of times the traffic is stopped and I can put my handbrake on.
We pass a fire engine on the other side of the road putting out a fire in a cars engine that has obviously crashed into the central reservation and the driver being comforted by the firemen and drinking water. (I know this because we are all slowing down to check that the man is not going to jump into the road and kill himself and definitely not because we want to look at the reason why the road has been shut). I tell the kids “see, it could be worse”.
Adelaide was asleep.
During one roadworks a green lamborghini passes us. I see we are nearing the return to national speed limit and take the opportunity to “anticipate” and speed up and tell the kids “look and see if hes famous”. Man in Lamborghini doesn’t appreciate an attempt to be overtaken by a Vauxhall and speeds off into the distance. Kids spend rest of the journey asking me to catch up with him to see if hes famous. I try to explain Im never going to catch up with him again.
Adelaide was asleep.
Genie starts asking when we are getting to Scotland.
I start to panic about the whole “we’re going to Glasgow” surprise and how I pass into Scotland when we are going to England.
Adelaide was asleep.
I start checking the petrol left and miles to go. We might make it on fumes.
Adelaide was asleep.
Genie reminds me we were stopping at 2pm and its now 4pm. I try to explain we’ve only got an hour and a half to go and if we stop it’ll be 2.5 hours.
Adelaide was asleep.
At 5.30pm, 6.5 hours after we set off, we arrive at Center Parcs.
Genie says “this isnt Sara’s house”.
I say “oh no! The sat nav has taken us to the wrong place, we’ll have to go home.” We start making plans about sleeping in the car or the woods.
Genie’s voice cracks.
I feel terribly guilty.
We check in. Me, Adelaide, Genie, Torin and Scott.
Genie realises.
All the stress is forgotten. And yay! Hooray! How exciting! (But apparently I am going to be repaid with an even bigger trick and she’ll never believe me about being lost again)
Get to the lodge. I ask kids to help me carry stuff out of car.
I carry all the stuff out of car.
Sara arrives.
I tell her I need wine and food and I need it now.
She says “but we have to get bikes”. Everyone is excited! Yay! Bikes!
I try to think “what can possibly go wrong?” But I know. This is not going to end well.
Park car, get bikes. Torin is upset that he hasnt brought his bike.
He is placated because Center Parcs has balance bikes.
Adelaide and Genie remember they are not used to riding bikes.
Sara leads the way back to lodges. I am the adult at the back.
Adelaide and Genie fail to be able to ride bikes. I fail to be of any help because I have to control own bike.
We are lost.
I look at a map and say “I think its this way”.
Its not this way.
Adelaide sits down and refuses to move ever again.
Lots of tears and lots of words later we arrive back at lodge.
I need wine.
Sara has lost her phone.
We try to ring it but it looks like its run out of battery.
Sara and I agree that the kids are all fine but next to that, this is the worst thing that could possibly happen. Sara says something always goes wrong in Center Parcs and if this is it then we can deal with it.
Yay! We’re going to have a great time!
Its 7.30 and we have to get to food.
Adelaide says shes not going to eat anything because her stomach hurts. I suggest chips and a drink.
Sara goes to customer services to ask about her phone.
Waitress comes and I say I’ll have the four cocktails for £20. She looks at kids and wonders why I’m giving the kids cocktails and weighs up a social services call. (I know this because she told me)
I start ordering drinks for the kids. She breathes out.
She realises I am the only adult so all 4 cocktails are for me. Theres a look in her eyes that tell me she cant decide between awe or a return to the social services plan (I know this because she tells me). Sara returns. Waitress visibly returns to normal breathing. Aparently two cocktails each while in charge of 6 kids is totally acceptable.
Lost property had Sara’s phone! Yay! Shes back with us and we’re going to have a blast! Yay!
Day Two (yep! You’re exhausted? You should try living it)
Kids are happily playing outside on the bikes. Yay! Trip of a lifetime!
Theres a noise from outside.
Llyw is saying “I need an adult”.
Oh no.
I tell him he is an adult, cant he deal with it?
“I need an adult”.
I can hear a crying child in the background.
Theres a moment when you think: “I know I prefer this ‘not knowing’……”
Llyw is upset because his bike has broken. The chain has come off.
Simple. Easy.
I can still hear that crying…..
I drag my eyes. The ‘not knowing’ is such a nice place.
Genie is screaming for help. Like literally “Someone help me, I cant! Someone help me!” Shes walking around and dad always says “If theyre screaming and moving: its nothing”.
I can see other adults looking and wondering what they should do so I reluctantly start walking towards them. (Still in my pyjamas)
Genie and Adelaide have collided bikes and both come off. There’s blood. But mostly theres screaming. And Adelaide is standing almost perfectly still.
Oh no.
A man stops and tries to direct me to the medical centre.
Pah! We are doctors’ daughters. That’s practically better than the 7 years it takes to become a doctor.
Ring dad.
Dad is in Cornwall where there is no phone reception. We are in Cumbria where there is no phone reception. Plus its 10am and normal people on holiday are asleep. Yep, its still only 10am and we havent even been here for 24 hours.
Sara suggests driving to Cornwall. I remind her we are in Cumbria and draw her a simple map.
We discuss how little we want to spend the entire day in hospital.
The kids are still screaming.
Asking them to stop because the police are sure to be here in a minute makes them scream louder.
Genie is screaming louder and louder because no one is paying attention to her life threatening injuries. She flaps her arms and legs to show how they are clearly broken and about to fall off.
I arrange food, drink and YouTube videos for Genie and the screaming subsides….
Adelaide is still screaming but staying almost perfectly still. My medical eye catches the odd movement of her arm, shoulder and neck. She describes in perfect detail what happened. So we decide hospital is not necessary and Sara and I consider opening the wine.
Genie is up and wandering around asking when we are going swimming. She looks like shes been in a bike accident and understands the scratches on her face, arm, leg, neck and shoulder are going to sting in the chlorine but she came to go swimming so thats what she wants to do.
Adelaide cries because she’s never going to swim again.
We decide Sara and Llyw (who we all agree is very grown up and sensible) will take 4 kids to pool while I stay at lodge so Adelaide can go to sleep to “let the goodies fix her”.
Much fun and hilarity ensues trying to find costumes, googles, towels and bike chains.
We have a party outside while a fly tries to engage in conversation with children who are terrified.
Sara leaves. Shes having fun! Yay! You can tell by the expression on her face.
She leaves and I ease Adelaide into bed and wait till she’s snoozing.
I open the wine. It feels like the thing to do. It’s practically medicinal.
Adelaide wakes up in a much better mood and we negotiate her to the sofa and I ply her with food, drink and YouTube videos.
Sara texts.
Llyw has wandered off and it is a total and utter disaster. Shes sorry she ever dragged us here.
She says she’s leaving pool right now.
Two hours later an eye twitching Sara gets back to lodge.
She explains kids did not want to leave.
She said in the end she had to summon her sheep herding skills.
But that didn’t work so she caught a child, dried and dressed them then looked for another weakness, caught the child and dressed that one. She said when the child wanted to go back in the water she cackled and said “ha, ha! Youre dressed! I have foiled you again!!”
Or something.
Llyw of course was forgiven once he opened his mouth because “everyone loves Llyw”.
He said he was distracted by the water slides.
I tell Sara we have to laugh. Its life affirming. We’re having a party!
The universe doesnt like it when my sister and I are together. Its like crossing the streams or something.
Only another 24 hours to go.
What can possibly go wrong.
Nic Danson 